Madison Utley speaks to astrologer, intuitive, and first-time author Juliana Teal about the catharsis of telling her story through her book, Flying to Freedom, how she tempered the heaviness of the abuse that she endured with honoring the ways in which she healed, and the good that sharing her words has already done in the world.
MU: I’d love to hear about your motivation to tell your story, and your choice to do so in the form of a book.
JT: Since I was a child, I’ve loved to write. My early school experiences were not good, but even back then my teachers couldn’t deny that I was a natural writer. For a long time I didn’t have the self-confidence to share what I wrote, so I’d keep it to myself, but it was around a decade ago that I realized I wanted to tell my story. I thought a book would be the best format because I was hoping to reach other survivors and loved ones of survivors in order to provide healing and education around what I’d experienced.
MU: I’m sure that natural aptitude helped give you the confidence to decide on a book, something that many people find to be a very intimidating thing.
JT: That has to be true in ways, but it didn’t feel daunting to me. I felt an internal pressure to tell my story. Once I started writing, I could not stop. For several years, I was writing literally every single day. I was so motivated. I could not not write. Sometimes I’d feel stuck as I tried to figure out how to say something but then I’d wake up at 1am or 2am with an idea. I would get out of bed and turn on my computer to get it down as soon as possible.
MU: At what point in that content generating process did it occur to you to bring in an assisting hand–and how did you go about doing that?
JT: I had finished about half or three-quarters of my manuscript, but I wasn’t feeling fully satisfied with what I had. I was happy with my writing, but I had material about three distinct things and I knew I needed to figure out how to tie them together better. I wanted a developmental editor to help unify what was feeling too choppy to me. I approached someone who, in her area, is pretty well known. I told her what my book was about and she agreed to be my editor, without even seeing my writing. We exchanged lengthy emails where she asked me a lot of questions about my writing experience. She finally told me to send her my manuscript. Three weeks later, she wrote me a brutal email. She said that no one wants to read about abuse and that I should toss out my whole manuscript. I was crushed. When I finally calmed down, though, I realized her words were not at all constructive criticism, but really just cruel, and I fired her.
After that, I thought: All right, Universe, I can’t find an editor. You’re not sending anyone to me. Maybe I should not do this. But then a client happened to mention an editor she really wanted to work with herself. She shared about how kind and intelligent he was and I found myself asking, “What’s his name?” Instead of researching Stuart to see who he was and what his qualifications were, as I normally would do, I went by gut feeling and I called him. It was a great fit from the start. He had me send a sample of my manuscript and having seen my writing, he became my editor. When we worked together he’d make it clear, “You know how to write already. I’m not teaching you how to write, but how about expanding on this? What if we put that there?” He really believed in my abilities and my book, which helped heal a lot of the pain left by the other editor.
MU: There is heavy, hard material that is a necessary part of telling your story. How did you embrace communicating the fullness of what you had to share without alienating your readers?
JT: My mission when I wrote my book was to make it as easy on the reader as possible. I knew I had to tell the truth of the ritual abuse I experienced, but also I knew my story is mostly about healing. There are five parts to my book, and the abuse is only discussed outright in part three. The other sections contain material that is healing and hopeful and expansive, which works to balance the heaviness of part three. I’ve been getting the most amazing, beautiful feedback from readers–better than I ever imagined. People have told me that my voice has made it possible to read even the difficult parts without feeling traumatized. I’ve also had feedback from people who have been abused themselves and they’ve said my story has really helped them, which is everything I could have hoped for.
MU: What have you found to be the most difficult part of this process, and how did you overcome it?
JT: It’s interesting because people’s assumption is that emotionally, this book must have been hard to write, but it really wasn’t. I’m so enamored by the writing process that even as I wrote the difficult sections, I’d ask myself, “Hm, how can I phrase this? How can I creatively talk about this hard thing?” There were places where Stuart asked me to expand and those moments could be challenging, because I wasn’t just reporting on something, I was diving into what I felt inside. When I’d read certain sections out loud to friends, that would be difficult as well, and make me teary, but overall the process was easier than I think a lot of people would expect.
That said, sharing the book and the vulnerability that goes along with that I have found to be very difficult. I was open about what happened to me. But I pushed through that fear by sending love to myself, by reminding my child self that I’m safe and I’m doing this for a greater cause. This isn’t about me. I’ve never been in this for money or for fame; it’s about helping other people who may have experienced a similar trauma. Remembering that is incredibly empowering.
